Negative Leadership

       First day of lecture class with HER as our teacher. Yeahbah!

       I thought she already had moved on from our last encounter during the Council Meeting about my so called “putting fire on my own house”. And I guess, I made a wrong presumption. Here I am again, wondering on how to stand up and defend oneself without making a fight. How will I stand up to the attack without escalating it?

       Leadership was our topic. Well at first, I’m interested to go with the discussion expecting that she would professionaly stand and talk in front without that put-down sarcastic statements about negative leadership - the description she had connected with activism.

        First, I asked myself what could be her understanding of the word negative. Does she call these things negative - advocating and fighting for the rights of the majority, sacrificing one’s time and energy for the welfare of those who are in need,  critical thinkers, people who assessess situations first before reacting,those who have forgotten the “I” for the sake of the “WE”, and those who had courageously lived their personal legends and are pursuing their collective vision of achieving a just and humane society for ALL?

       Secondly, does she mean that mediocrity is positive. Just go with the flow, be passive of your environment, be highly agreeable, forget your identity, let go of your visions and ideals in life, don’t keep a ground where you can stand, play safe to avoid failures and judgments, to become someone who would leave you alone on top of the peak of a crisis to save himself? 

        Negative and positive are just temporary terminologies. These are defined by the ruling class of today. This is held by the status quo.

        Challenging the status quo would then change the ruling class thereby affecting the meaning of negative and positive. Anyway, why is she indulging herself too much to the words without reflecting on their meanings first? Haaaayy…

       I don’t know what to do. Do I need to discuss what’s activism with her? Do I need to discuss Philippine political history to make her aware of the role of activism during her time, the Martial Law? It is as if, that negative leadership-activism has brought all those turmoil of these god forsaken country. Doesn’t she know that nurse activists do exist to protect their rights, one of which is the wage increase from which she and her sons would be benefiting?

         Dealing with the matter of fact, first, she doesn’t have the right to talk against activism because she only has little knowledge about it. Too little knowledge is dangerous. Is she unaware of it?

        I wanted to learn but is confused of how to have an open communication with her. I want to raise healthy arguments but is scared of subjectivism, I don’t want to gamble my grades.

        Could someone help me how to deal with the reactionary?

Tayo, Panahon,at Pagbabago

       Hindi ka pa rin nagbago.

       Napangiti ako nang nasulyapan kita kaninang umaga. Ikaw pa rin yung “Good Boy” na alaga ni Tita. Ikaw pa rin yung kilala kong uniko iho, yung tipo ng kaisa-isahang teddy bear sa kabinet ko; pinakaiingat-ingatan at pinakaaalagaan. Malinis ka pa rin manamit at walang pagbabagong naganap sa ayos ng iyong buhok. Modest ka pa rin kumilos. Seryoso pa rin ang marka ng mga linya sa iyong mukha. Gaya ng dati, madalang ka pa ring ngumiti. Siguro, masarap ka pa ring asarin tulad noon.

        Hindi na kita nagawang lapitan sa kinatatayuan mo upang kausapin at mangamusta dahil sa ibang direksiyon na ako dinala ng oras ko sa mga sandaling iyon.

        Halos walong taon na din ang lumipas. (Hala, ang tanda na natin!). Hindi na ulit kita narinig tumugtog ng drums. At siguro, nakalimutan mo na ako.
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COFFEETALISM

Succumbed by my fear of having fears

Slowly killed by cautiousness

Of desire of a life near perfection

Amidst the cruel world of struggles and contradictions.

Eyes open, yet acts as if blind

Locked, yet aware of the outside

Not paralyzed, yet can’t move.

Choices

Decisions

Actions

Consequences

TIRED…

I’m wanting for sleep

But I need not it.

For sleep is a want

Need it is not.

For in capitalism,

Comfort is sacrifice

Sleep is delayed

By cups of coffee

Coffee…coffee… coffee…

Haay, graveyard na naman duty mamaya

BUHAY MAGSASAKA SA LUPAIN NG BURGESYA

            Sila’y naiiba sa pangkaraniwang mindless games sa kompyuter.

            Bukod sa tinatanggal nila ang stress sa iyong buhay, tinuturuan ka din nila kung paano magbudget ng panahon at para magplano ng magagandang istratehiya upang makapaghanap agad ng trabaho, ang maging sociable upang laging makakonek sa mga magpapaani o magpapaararo, at ang magsumikap upang sa huli’y makamit ang inaasam-asam na paglelevel-up.

            Nakatutuwang isipin na marami na sa atin ang nahuhumaling sa mga larong Farmtown, Farmville at Plants vs. Zombies.

Farmtown vs. Farmwille

            Ang Farmtown at Farmville ay parehong laro sa sikat na Social Networking Site na Facebook. Ang pagsasaka ang pangunahing tema ng mga larong ito.

            Kung social networking ang magiging basehan, mas malawak ang sakop ng Farmtown. May marketplace kasi dito kung saan mo pwedeng ibenta ang iyong sarili este, pwedeng magmakaawa sa mga estrangherong napapadaan dito upang mabigyan ka ng trabahong maaaring pag-aani o pag-aararo. Dapat kang maging mautak sa pagpwesto sa market place. Dapat sa lugar na madali kang makita gaya ng sa tabi ng orange stand ka dapat tumayo upang mapansin ka agad ng naghahanap ng tagapag-ani o tagapag-araro (experience-based ito!). Sa market place din masusubok ang convincing powers mo upang hagilapin ang mga magpapaani o magpapaararo.

            Limitado lang sa mga kaibigan ang sakop ng social networking sa Farmville. Gayunman, nasisiguro naman nito ang katangian ng pagsasamahan ng pagkakaibigan ng mga manlalaro sapagkat wala silang maaaring asahan kundi ang isa’t-isa sa pag-asenso sa mundo ng Farmville. Sa Farmtown naman, kung gusto mong yumaman nang mas mabilis, piliin mong mbuti ang iyong kaibigan. Dapat mong imbitahin ang mga kaibigang loyal at dedicated sa paglalaro ng Farmtown, yung taong ang itinatanim ay pinya at blue berries, o ang taong kaya mong iterrorize na dapat ikaw lang ang pwedeng umani at mag-araro sa kanyang bukirin.

            Bukod sa makteplace, meron ding Inn ang Farmtown kung saan ka pwedeng pumunta upang magliwaliw (mas mabuti kung saka ka na lang bumisita dito, kapag mayaman ka na), may bangko din dito. Meron ding store sa Farmtown gaya ng Farmville kung saan ka pwedeng bumili ng mga buto na siya mong itatanim, mga bahay, windmills at mga bagay na kakailanganin sa pagtratransform ng iyong bukirin patungong isang marangyang hacienda habang ika’y umaasenso sa Farmtown o Farmville.
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Ito ang talagang laugh trip!

       muntik na kong mautas sa kakatawa. ngayon lang uli ako nakatawa ng ganito kalakas at kaligaya mula nung other, other, other, other week. Ilang weeks na nga ba akong nawawala? di ko na alam. haaaay.

       Ang puso, ang puso at ang puso. Hindi bumibigay ang puso kundi natatalo lamang tayo. Natatalo tayo sa sariling mga pagkakamali at ang kabilang panig na paghahanap. Ang talo ay ang taong tinignan na talo siya dahil tingin niya ay talo siya. Ang pagkatalo ay nagmula sa pride na ‘dapat’.

      Maraming ‘dapat sana’ pero ito ay laging kokontrahin ng ‘pero’.

     Ang pagkabuo ulit ng puso ay nasa sariling pagpapasya. 

7 am SYNDROME

AUTOMATICITY…

            Starts when I’m seated

            Prolongs as time goes by

            Uncontrollable heightening speed

            Of lucid sound dwelling within

            It’s bursting yet cloaked

            Inside deceiving firmness

            Of pretensive bravery

                                                -Tachycardia.

REFRACTORINESS…

            Irresistable deepening and fastening

            Creating those strange movements

            Of rising and setting

            Abnormalities producing uneasiness

            Slowly pulls me down

            I’m buried within

            Drowned in oxygen, save me!

                                                -Respiratory Alkalosis.

DEVIANCE…

            Stimulated neurons freak

            Run amuck

            Yet with impenetrable density

            They’re trapped and bounded

            Roars and bleeds

            The pressure, it’s rising

            Help me, I’m falling!

                                                -Increased Intracranial Pressure

DECOMPENSATION…

            I’m bursting

                   Drowning

                        Falling

                             Paralyzed

                                    Lost

                                         Shut

                                                And now lifeless

                                                            - Brain death.

What my name means

You entered:&^%$#&&^ *(*^&&$ *())&^%

There are 23 letters in your name.
Those 23 letters total to 94
There are 12 vowels and 11 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 4

The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:
Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression. Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horiculture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.
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How to deal with frustration

             I still have so many pages of the book to read for my class tomorrow. But when I try to think the results of the efforts I make, I get depressed. I am frustrated by the imbalance between my effort and accomplishments. My will power is affected. My motivation is inactivated. I again tend to be rebellious of my own self by doing things that I want to do rather than doing things I am supposed to be and must be doing.

             I shouldn’t be taking a break from the field of academics for lately, I am always outside of its boundaries. However, this time, I realized that it would be the last break which I would take for this semester. I should continue on pushing myself forward despite of the unexpected hurdles on my path. Anyway, nobody would save me from this quagmire of helplessness except my one and only self.

             After minutes of freedom from the cruelty of reality, I let my heart and mind wander to search my lost self buried down the deep hole of frustration.
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Kapag galit

            Ibaling sa keyboard.

            Badtrip! Marami ka nang nasaktan. Badtrip! Para ka nang baliw. Badtrip! Monster ka talaga. Aaaaaaahhhhh!

            Sana ikaw ngayon ang keyboard para maramdaman mo kung gaano ako galit. Badtrip ka talaga! Badtrip. Badtrip. Badtrip! (Ctrl C+Ctrl V) ^nth

                Sana maumpog ang ulo mo, marealize mo na masyado ka nang harsh. Sana maumpog ka!!!

            Sana madulas ka! Sana mabilaukan ka habang umiinom ng favorite mong juice!

            Badtrip ka talaga!

            (Sige lang, ilabas mo na ang lahat ng galit mo. Tomorrow would be a new day, another chance of proving yourself not to him but to yourself pa rin :) Dapat nakamove-on ka na bukas. Dapat hindi ka na galit!)

            Badtrip. Badtrip. Hinayupak. Balahura. Badtrip!

            Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Nanggigigil talaga ako. Badtrip ka! Badtrip!

            Monster! Monster ka! Badtrip! Badtrip!

_____________ (Ctrl A + Ctrl C + Ctrl V) ^nth_____________

 Haaaaah.

            Ayokong maging hypertensive. Ayokong ma – CVA. Tama na. Hindi na ako galit.

            Sayo na lang silang lahat. Iyong-iyo na ang mga catecholamines. Sana marealize mo na matanda ka na at maisip mo ang implications ng aging :). Good luck na lang sa yo.

            Hindi na ako galit :)  Nakamove-on na ako :)

Let The Sun Shine

           I am not going to cry tomorrow. Today, I will earn the courage to resist the pain of letting go the relationship that once has been well established. Today, I will let myself realize that he does not deserve to be cared for. Today, I will forcibly instill to my mind that he is already not the person with whom we have spent our happy memories with. Today, I will let him destroy himself unconsciously, acting like an insane while he is in front of the class trying to demoralize us.

            Tomorrow, I will be returning to normal.

 
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Of Irrationality

            I would never get my emotion rule over my neurons again. I should have not trusted my emotions. The emotion has put me down the quagmire of unescapable regret. And now, my brain cells are the one which help me overcome the impact of that trauma. Thanks for the realization that it is always better to trust the brain. That emotion is just one of the myriad irrationalities of human species.

            I should have not expected too much from him. I should have not trusted the father-like image he has offered to us. He said that he regrets having us as his students, more do I regret having him as our teacher.

 
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UNSENT

            You’ve been a monster to me during our first encounter. You were a creature with encephalomegaly who didn’t have the soul of a human. From that day on, that monster has been embedded deep down into my neurons (together with the curse I intended only for you). 

            I really prepared for the time when you have to be my superior and I have to be your subordinate inside that room. And as I expected, I was the one whom you had given your initial strike. But I wasn’t affected. I’m already used to that for I believed that the curse will happen on a more appropriate day. 

            I have to admit, you are powerful. From a room overflowing with anxiety, you were able to transform it into a room where wisdom is smoothly shared, the room where the loudest laughters could be heard, more of a home of the family which you and the UNO formed. 

 
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21 GUNS - Green Day

Do you know what’s worth fighting for
When it’s not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weight out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Does someone break your heart inside?
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and i

When you’re at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn’t pass
Nothing’s ever built to last
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and i

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it’s time to live and let die
And you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and i

* The lyrics of this song excluding the chorus,  intersects with my personal experiences.

            > I’ve been dubious of things that could make me stronger – the things that are worth fighting for, up to the point of losing myself in searching my soul.

            >I’ve already been hurt by myriad people but I have to keep those pains by masking those tears by smiles and laughters.

            >I’ve even questioned the existence of God, my faith has shaken

            > Something inside this heart has died – I have changed. That stupid girl has changed. She’s more stupid now :)       

* The chorus does not correlate with my life. And, I am proud. Giving up will never be for stepping forward. Giving up will never make you free. Giving up just make you weak. Giving up means losing . Giving up goes with death. It’s good I didn’t give up. And I stayed alive living in what I call “LIFE”.

* 21 Guns is the real song for humans because humans are naturally weak. It instills the idea of giving up to free one’s self from the struggles of life.It integrates the idea of giving up for it is an easy way out from the realities of “LIFE”.

* As to experience, it is really more relaxing to hear songs and sing those musics depicting human weakness. First, because it is easier to admit that humans are naturally weak than proving otherwise. Second, it is easier to go with the flow than to resist the current  to direct one’s self to the direction he really likes. Third, majority can not differentiate “humans” from “sub-human species”.

* 21 Guns is a good song. It had made me think deeper about human nature.  

21/08/09

I will NEVER jump again. 

Having a bad lower backache!

 my palms still hurt.

Damn the sand!!!

Worst CI Formula

E. N. = worst pedia CI I’ve ever met

E. N. = very highly subjective (ctrl A + ctrl C + ctrl V)^{nth power}  

E. N. = kulot²            

E. N. ⁼  makados

E. N. = taba!

E. N. = unanalytically reactive

E. N. = pathetic mediocre clinging to the superiors by acting like a puppy

E. N. = desperate

E. N. = walang kwenta.

E. N. = pinakahate kong CI. Grrrr…

19/08/09

I am damn so stupid!

I hate myself!

THAT MOMENT

I have to live my life

            - You have your own.

Domains apart

            -Opposites

Those days we sacrificed in solitude

-         I’m afraid of

In a world so little

-         We’re trapped

I can’t breath

            - Don’t look at me

I might die.

DEATH FAD

            We learn to appreciate things only when they’re gone.

            That is the sad fact, an eminent evidence of hilarious human stupidity.

            I’m just so irritated by the brow-raising reactions of people for the deaths of Francis Magalona, Michael Jackson and the latest, the death of the former president Cory Aquino. My system of understanding cannot comprehend their way of thinking.

            First, people should be realistic. Death is inevitable. Fame, money and power can not save you from it. No one can escape death.

            Second, their deaths can not change the reality. Philippines will still remain Philippines. Rather than trapping ourselves to past memories, why don’t we focus our attention on solving the issues confronting our present, on materializing the realistic optimism of a brighter tomorrow.

            Third, their lives have been spent so passionately. As what Abraham Lincoln said, “At the end, its not the years in your life that counts, it’s the life in your years. I don’t get the point of people pouring tears and showing melancholies over their graves or what I call “public display of affection for the dead”. Besides, why only when they’re already past away do these people learned to recognize them? Do these people mean they will never learn those great things about these personalities without them reaching their deaths?
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FUTURISTIC

            Hindi naman sa excited na akong mamatay. Gusto ko lang pag-isipan kung ano ang mga ala-alang maiiwan ko sa mga tao kapag ako’y tuluyan nang nawala.

            Siguro, ganito nila ako maaalala:

Ø      Yung taong yun? Autistic ata siya. May sarili kasing mundo eh. Hindi siya mahilig sumunod sa trend. Madalas din siyang sumasalungat sa dominanteng opinyon ng karamihan. Kahit na walang nakikinig at pumapansin sa kanya o di naman kaya’y minamata at pinupuna ng mga tao ang personalidad niya, ginagawa pa rin niya ang mga bagay na ayon sa kanyang lohika ay mas makabubuti.
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WANDERING ASPIRANT

            “ Human beings, whatever their backgrounds, are more open than we think, that their behavior cannot be confidently predicted from their past, that we are all creatures vulnerable to new thoughts, new attitudes. And while such vulnerability creates all sorts of possibilities, both good and bad, its very existence is exciting. It means that no human being should be written off, no change in thinking deemed impossible”.  – Howard Zinn
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