11/3/10

Stop…renew…stop…renew

OF SELF-ENMITY

       Lately, I’m having this consistent sense of hating myself, for being worthless, for being useless, for being so bad, for being a failure, for the world! And I can’t stop telling myself, “wala akong kwenta”, “wala akong silbi”, “ang sama-sama ko”, “sana mamatay na lang ako”, “oo. sana mamatay na lang ako”.

      I’m helpless, desperate, and my world is slowly turning dark. If only self-diagnosis can be valid, then I’ll call myself schizoid, for making my own world; anti-social, for breaking life rules; borderline, for unstable relationships; and paranoid, for not trusting anyone even myself. It’s good I’m not giving in. I still handle not to live in the castles I have made in the clouds.

    Ang tanga-tanga ko talaga! STUPID!

    I can no longer keep those pretentious smiles. And the gravity buries me deep down my self-enmity. Should I close my doors, then I’ll say goodbye.

At The Intensive Care UniT

            Becoming a nurse was indeed my ambition when I was still that naïve child. But, having been able to reach this pedestal of my education put me in ambivalence of whether to pursue it or just take the other path I have found on my way. That is, writing.

            Just to confess, I did spend majority of my time in front of the computer not reading medical/nursing related journals, but analyzing the contents of myriad websites to be able to come up with a well composed article for the school paper. Moreover, I did spend more time reading books such as the works of Paulo Coelho, Mark Twain and Bob Ong – books that are not really connected to my nursing subjects.

            My failure to pass last semester’s Nursing Comprehensive exam also weakened my desire to become a nurse. Every failure on my part lowered my self-esteem, my instrument to reach the door of nursing profession. My failures always work as my reminder of how stupid and dumb to the highest power I am.

            That ambivalence to continue pursuing nursing as my career has already been shared to my friend who is also a writer. I even expected her to persuade me to become a full time writer. But this time, I heard the other way around. That was the first time I have heard her speak “objectively”. My friend first asked why it is only now that I’m already graduating did I realize that I am not that passionate and firm to hold nursing profession. Then I shared, my focus has gone. She replied, “If your focus is the problem, then redirect your focus! Find your inspiration from your patients”

            I was struck by her statement, “Find your inspiration from your patients!”. Indeed, a very mature and enlightening statement.

            I know the meaning of her statement but it took me long time to actualize it. Only when I was exposed to the Medical Intensive Care Unit in a public hospital did I realize it is the proper time, the proper place and the proper scenario for me to redirect my focus – by finding my inspiration from my patients. At last!

            I am much aware that the Intensive Care Unit is the area for patients needing critical nursing care, critical emotional support, and of course, critical financial need. Also add the soul-breaking scenario outside the ICU, patients in the hallway crying in pain and the not so well environment. And I can’t stop asking myself, is the place therapeutic? (Well, I’m just “self-practicing” patient advocacy)

            I still remember the last patient I handled. He is a fisherman and the only breadwinner in his family. He has eight children and all are still young. He needs to undergo diagnostic tests but his family has no fund. He is intubated with nasogastric tube inserted. With all those contraptions, I can feel the sense of depression on his part masked by his defense mechanism. At first his denial is manifested by his agitation, by his attempts to remove his endotracheal tube and nasogastric tube. But then, at the later part, I can sense his acceptance toward his condition for he already follows commands and participates in his own care. However, I often read his lips telling his significant others, “Agawid tayon”.

            My patient’s statement gives me two meanings. One, he already wants to go home because he does not like the aura of the hospital. He might be one of those patients who feel sicker when they are inside the hospital and will rather choose to go home and let themselves be cured the natural way. Second, he already wants to go home because he knows that every movement of the second hand of the clock means additional fee to be paid, additional stress to his problematic wife, and additional burden to his family. The realization that every movement of the hand of the clock  means the responsibilities to his children he missed to carry on, that the period he spends in the hospital means how many times do already his young children experienced hunger. I do believe more on the second meaning.

            Knowing that autonomy is one of the patient’s rights, what if the patient decides to go home against medical advice? What if he will not be able to overcome his illness? How then will be the future of his eight young children?

            As a student nurse, I can do nothing for my patient but to empathize and provide as much nursing care as I can to ensure that at least, I am not serving as an additional stress to his condition.

            There, I found my sense in the world of nursing.

            The patient in the hallway which I see though the window glass crying in pain, the intubated patient worrying about his eight young children left in their home, the hoping patients, the dying ones… all of them helped me solve my problem.

            At that point, I actualized what my friend has told me, “Find your inspiration from your patients!” I told myself, I will help lessen such sufferings and one day, I will be able to paint a smile to those faces.

            I will become a RN!

I was able to realize my role and promised myself that I will continue doing and widening that role in the field of nursing. Those scenarios united my “body” and “soul”. At least now, I can say I have formed into a human.

            The opportunity of having been able to be with and to care for patients in their most critical period brings me joy and privilege.  Much more is the happiness I feel recognizing the good prognosis of the condition of my patient.

            I already found my inspiration. Soul searching is now over… all at the intensive care unit.

Love Letters

To the man I love,

            Sorry for I always hurt you.

            Those myriad arguments I ignited merely reflect my frustration to express myself. Those tears I often shed spoke the pails of words I failed to say.

            Stupid. That I was.

            Our past is ridiculous. Or should I say this impulsive hard-headed girl made the past ridiculous?

            All you have made is to protect me. All you have persisted to do is to guide me.

            Young as I was, I failed to realize those.

            All I have done is to fight with you whenever you try to start giving me directions and advices. I uttered you painful words. But, you just let me talk. I heard nothing from you. Then after my desperately anguish monologue, I cry. I cry after realizing that again, I hurt you.

            I was an immature trying hardly to be mature.

            Nonetheless, thank you for the lesson you have taught me in your silence. Thank you for the freedom from your silence for I was able to see and live the world. Thank you for the freedom from your silence for I was able to go in those strange trips where I have learned the things I have might not known inside my comfort zone. Thank you for the freedom from your silence for I was able to grow and be more mature than I was.

            Thank you for the freedom from your silence for I have learned the way on how to be at peace with the world.

            Your rebellious girl has already learned her lesson.

To the woman I love,

            You never fail to amaze me. You are always as “woman” as ever before.

            I can’t imagine what my life would be without you. I can’t think of how to appreciate things in this world not having you as my standard.

            You are my woman. You always have that strength to let me live.

            You are my woman. You always have that power to lighten my road in my journey.

            You are my woman. You always have that sweet smile to welcome and charge me with new energy from my tiring day.

            You are my woman. You always have those serene eyes to see those problems I hide within me.

            You are my woman. You always have those arms to embrace me whenever I feel down. You always have those hands to lend me when I feel so weak to stand from my mistakes.

            Only you know what my weaknesses are for you are my only woman.

            I wish I could also be like you, a strong, powerful, sweet, caring and loving woman.

            I am indeed thankful for having you as the gift of my life.

            Thank you for letting me live this wonderful world. Thank you for teaching me the art of life.

            The days continue to pass making you almost tired of being a superwoman.

            May you give me this time the chance to stand from the comfortable seat you had given me and allow yourself to experience that comfort you have worked hard for so many years?

To the man and woman I love,

The bud has blossomed

through the blessing of the sun

through the touch of the rain

The bud has blossomed

to give happiness

to share wonders

The bud has blossomed

and will live its Personal Legend

of painting the art of life

called LOVE.

To the man and woman I love,

thank you.

Lovingly,

Your child

* Advanced graduation gift for my parents :)

TOTAL BREAKDOWN: THE VIOLENCE OF HISTORY

         With the most foul, gross, and utterly repugnant act of savagery that has written one of the blackest pages in the history of the world’s press, Philippines has been tagged as the world’s top dangerous place for journalists and the world’s poster child of impunity ranking sixth in the global impunity index rating.

            That grave political barbarism transgressing the human rights of those innocent civilians is just one of the myriad tragic proofs of the Philippines as a failed state - one where laws and rules are not enforced causing the death of our fellow Filipinos.

            The government’s failure to serve justice, security and peace to the people merely reflects the total breakdown of Philippine democracy.

The Incomprehensible Bloodbath

            Atrocities of the 23^rd day of November 2009, when 60 civilians, 34 of which are journalists, were brutally killed en masse in the town of Ampatuan in Maguindanao marked the darkest era in the world press. Moreover, this horrific tragedy magnified the severity of the state of political dynasty in the local government and exposed how nasty Philippine politics is to the globe.

            The victims, 21 of which are women, were composed of Mangudadatu’s wife, his two sisters, journalists, lawyers, aides, and motorists who were mistakenly identified as part of the convoy. They were about to file a certificate of candidacy for Esmael Mangudadatu, vice mayor of Buluantown. Mangudadatu was challenging Datu Unsay Mayor Andal Ampatuan, Jr., son of the incumbent Maguindanao governor Andal Ampatuan, Sr., in the forthcoming Maguindanao gubernatorial election.

            The Ampatuans hold the gubernatorial seat for almost ten years now and were able to build and strengthen a series of positions in the local government of Maguindanao – a smooth step by step construction of political dynasty by the Ampatuans.

            Political families or dynasties, with their warlords and private armies, rule the Philippine political landscape, especially in the provinces. With land-owning Filipino families forming their own dynasties, building their own private armies and running for public office to protect their interests, political dynasty persisted up to this time. According to the Center for People Empowerment in Governance, a Manila think tank, there are an estimated 250 political dynasties in the Philippines. Of the 265 members of Congress in 2007, 160 of them belonged to these powerful families.

            Warlordism is one of the factors that maintained political dynasty in the Philippines. Political dynasty got wealth and power. That power would not be completed without arms.

            Executive Order 546 authorizes the creation of private armed groups such as Civilian Volunteer Organizations or CVOs and Special Civilian Armed Forces Geographical Unit Active Auxiliary (SCAAs). CVOs and CAFGUs were utilized by the government in its anti-insurgency program such as OPLAN BANTAY LAYA II. This order has been blamed for allowing local politicians to convert their private militias into legal security forces.
(more…)

New Words to Live By

        I am at the process of regaining myself from my past. And I’m happier now. The dawn is now nearer to its end and I’m excited for the sunrise

        I’ll keep moving forward no matter what. Now, I’m loving all things. I realized loving is a struggle. These words I will hold forever.

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

Look at the sunny side of everything and make your
optimism come true.

Think only of the best,
work only for the best,
and expect only the best.

Forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

Give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.

PauLO cOeHlOiSm

      I aM sUpPoSeD tO mAke aN aRTIcle ABoUt MagUinDanAO mASSaCrE. bUt i OpENed The InTERnet FirST tHAN MiCroSOFt WOrd. sO aGaiN, I LOst mY SeLf aMiDST the WeB WiDe WoRlD. sAD

      iNSTeAD oF pOStInG mY SuPPoSeD FiNiSHeD sOCiALLY rELeVAnt ArTicle, I’m PrESENtING tHE pRODUCT oF My noT So dIsCiPliNeD uSe oF My tImE…

      mY tOp twENty QuOtAbLe qUoTeS FrOm mY FaVoRiTe aUthOr, No oTHeR thAn PAULO COELHO. 1,2,3… cLaP,cLaP, clAp

1.There are no answers to the meaning of life. So enjoy living your questions! He who avoids risks in his youth, loses the past and is dead for the future

2.An interesting life is full of questions. A boring life is full of answers

 3. to enjoy the rainbow, first enjoy the rain

 4. You need to wake up if you want to dream

 5.The bus always arrive for those who know where the bus stop is…

6. The wise are wise because they love. Fools are fools because they are convinced they can understand love

7.Love your enemy. But don’t forget he is not your friend

8.An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea.

9.You can choose either to be “a victim of this unfair system we live in” or “an adventurer who faces challenges”. It’s up to you

10.A life without cause is a life without effect.

11. “Impossible” is just an opinion, not a fact

12.Disobedience can be a virtue, when you know how to use it

        - ThIs i aLwAyS FoLlOw HaHAha! APIR!

13.Be like a river, smooth on the surface, swirling beneath!

14.Accept joy, even though you’re afraid it might end one day

15.Deep doubts, deep wisdom; small doubts, little wisdom

16.Joy is contagious

17.A great pleasure in life is to do what they say you can’t

18.Our scars are our medals

19.The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself

20.Change means movement. Movement means friction. Get used…

LoVe iT

jUST fOunD a  NeW hANg-Out aND waNt To ShaRe it wItH yOU.

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/

BeTTer INclUdE ThE LiNk oN My bLoG aRcHiVe iN Case i’LL hAvE aLZhEimEr’s iN ThE FuTuRe 

How The Path was Forged

     At this point in time, I am thinking, the guy up in the sky: is he alone or in peace with the Universe?

     Again, I am at the middle of my self-doubt, of the struggle of faith, of the miracles of superstitions. Sigh.

       I am to share a story to you. I hope you’ll also be able to interpret the messages between the lines. Be free to leave your comment. Maybe, your thought could help and save mine.

How the Path was Forged

by Paulo Coelho

      One day, a calf needed to cross a virgin forest in order to return to its pasture. Being an irrational animal, it forged out a tortuous path full of bends, up and down hills.

      The next day, a dog came by and used the same path to cross the forest. Next it was a sheep’s turn, the head of a flock which, upon finding the opening, led its companions through it.
Later, men began using the path: they entered and left, turned to the right, to the left, bent down, deviating obstacles, complaining and cursing – and quite rightly so. But they did nothing to create a different alternative.
After so much use, in the end, the path became a trail along which poor animals toiled under heavy loads, being forced to go three hours to cover a distance which would normally take thirty minutes, had no one chosen to follow the route opened up by the calf.

      Many years passed and the trail became the main road of a village, and later the main avenue of a town. Everyone complained about the traffic, because the route it took was the worst possible one.

     Meanwhile, the old and wise forest laughed, at seeing how men tend to blindly follow the way already open, without ever asking whether it really is the best choice.

.(based in traditional Portuguese story)

Planning

The Personal Legend may be abandoned for a certain time, provided one does not forget it and returns as soon as possible.

-pAuLO CoeHlO