It is better to live alone for the rest of my life than to risk being hurt as I was.
I have problem with trust versus mistrust and is having difficulty building relationships. I’m not friendly. It’s because I’m paranoid. And that’s definite.
I used to isolate myself from the crowd. And I find comfort in doing such. I feel safer being alone.
I remember my childhood. I remember those memories of rejection. I will never forget those incredulous eyes of those people within my blood line as they traverse deep down into my osteocytes. My neurons told me, “It’s incomparably painful!” That experience will always be there, unless I’m going to be inflicted with Alzheimer’s.
Most of the time, I’m quiet not because I’m a silent person. It’s just because most of the time, I’m with the people whom I believe is a friendly user/actress/actor/not-so-safe-to-be-trusted-with. There is no such thing as change in behavior. It is only manipulation by others to get their way with me.
I have no regrets in being too cautious for I won the struggle for self over-protection. (Because I have phobia with “that pain”).
Amidst the silence of my solitude, I’ve learned how to explore my mind, how to think critically, how to play words to make confusions and to clarify things out at the brighter side. I’ve tried solitary debate to resolve internal contradictions and answering my what if’s with come-on!-you’ve-already-been-exposed-to-almost-everything-so you-don’t-have-to-worry.
No one is to be trusted for everyone is out to get me.
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