GREEN LOVE

            I’m at home at last.

            It has been more than a semester that I tried living in the urban AGAIN. The result of the experience is just but the same. The buildings really serve as my stressors while noisy vehicles exhaust me. It’s like being trapped in the urban is being deployed in hell. It’s like being placed inside a pressure cooker. I feel unease. I guess I really have a problem with proxemics. I do admit I’m paranoid and claustrophobic. And, the populated urban doesn’t really suits me.

            Now, I’m with my home, my room, my bed, my study table, my piles of books well arranged, my chair, my freedom. Come on! (Deep Breath)

            I don’t have to stare at the busy stressful streets anymore. I don’t have to take the carbon monoxide either. My stay in the urban had probably caused the necrosis of 10% of my neurons due to hypoxia related to metabolic acidosis secondary to uncompensated respiratory acidosis. 10% is enough.

            Now, I wake up in the morning already with full blast source of oxygen. That’s why I love green. Plants are my favorite creatures on earth. Without them, human life is impossible. Also, I don’t have to play Farmtown of Farmville anymore just to get in touch with the sound of nature like hearing goats’ and cows’ “voices”. There are a lot of them in our place.

            Getting away from home is like getting away from self. And searching self is like searching the way back home.

            I’ve realized so many things while I was away.

            First, in this tough world of capitalism, money is the primary weapon to survive. Without money, you’ll lose yourself amidst hunger and illness which will lead you to unresuscitated death. Hospital codes for cardio-pulmonary resuscitation are very expensive!

            Second, I realized that I already have gone so far yet I’m still unfinished building my foundation. And I’ve been so carelessly stupid for neglecting the emotional needs of my younger siblings because of assuming that nothing in the past will change. I need to graduate, pass the NLE, work and be well stabilized economically first before going into the life I dreamed of. It’s because going either way the crossroads of my life would still both accuse me of selfishness. If I’ll go with having my professional career, I’ll be accused of prioritizing my self-interest of making my family happy while there are myriad people suffering from the rotten system. If I’ll go with the road less traveled, I’ll be accused by my family as selfish for pursuing my self-made decision without even considering their concerns. My final decision – to build my foundation first before reaching out to others. I know it will take time. If I’ll rush things, they could mess up. How can I share something which I still lack? Do I have the right to share if I don’t have something to share?

            Third, I have to keep on MOVING FORWARD! Whatever things that had already happened, whatever disasters that had pushed me  away from and diverged my focus on my goals, whatever dilemmas that had tormented my already necrotic brain, I’d still say, GO SELF-ESTEEM!

            I have to live. I have to fight. I have to win.

            No more regression nor fear.

            That’s why I love plants. The chlorophylls in them not just allow my vision to relax but they also manufacture the most important product on earth. That’s oxygen.

            My neurotransmitters are now working well. No more sluggish impulse transmission. Thanks to oxygen for aerobic cellular respiration. There’s a greater energy available to strengthen my mind against mental torture from academics, personal problems, journals and articles and my vast “why’s” of the world.

            I love green and I love being at home.