At The Intensive Care UniT

            Becoming a nurse was indeed my ambition when I was still that naïve child. But, having been able to reach this pedestal of my education put me in ambivalence of whether to pursue it or just take the other path I have found on my way. That is, writing.

            Just to confess, I did spend majority of my time in front of the computer not reading medical/nursing related journals, but analyzing the contents of myriad websites to be able to come up with a well composed article for the school paper. Moreover, I did spend more time reading books such as the works of Paulo Coelho, Mark Twain and Bob Ong – books that are not really connected to my nursing subjects.

            My failure to pass last semester’s Nursing Comprehensive exam also weakened my desire to become a nurse. Every failure on my part lowered my self-esteem, my instrument to reach the door of nursing profession. My failures always work as my reminder of how stupid and dumb to the highest power I am.

            That ambivalence to continue pursuing nursing as my career has already been shared to my friend who is also a writer. I even expected her to persuade me to become a full time writer. But this time, I heard the other way around. That was the first time I have heard her speak “objectively”. My friend first asked why it is only now that I’m already graduating did I realize that I am not that passionate and firm to hold nursing profession. Then I shared, my focus has gone. She replied, “If your focus is the problem, then redirect your focus! Find your inspiration from your patients”

            I was struck by her statement, “Find your inspiration from your patients!”. Indeed, a very mature and enlightening statement.

            I know the meaning of her statement but it took me long time to actualize it. Only when I was exposed to the Medical Intensive Care Unit in a public hospital did I realize it is the proper time, the proper place and the proper scenario for me to redirect my focus – by finding my inspiration from my patients. At last!

            I am much aware that the Intensive Care Unit is the area for patients needing critical nursing care, critical emotional support, and of course, critical financial need. Also add the soul-breaking scenario outside the ICU, patients in the hallway crying in pain and the not so well environment. And I can’t stop asking myself, is the place therapeutic? (Well, I’m just “self-practicing” patient advocacy)

            I still remember the last patient I handled. He is a fisherman and the only breadwinner in his family. He has eight children and all are still young. He needs to undergo diagnostic tests but his family has no fund. He is intubated with nasogastric tube inserted. With all those contraptions, I can feel the sense of depression on his part masked by his defense mechanism. At first his denial is manifested by his agitation, by his attempts to remove his endotracheal tube and nasogastric tube. But then, at the later part, I can sense his acceptance toward his condition for he already follows commands and participates in his own care. However, I often read his lips telling his significant others, “Agawid tayon”.

            My patient’s statement gives me two meanings. One, he already wants to go home because he does not like the aura of the hospital. He might be one of those patients who feel sicker when they are inside the hospital and will rather choose to go home and let themselves be cured the natural way. Second, he already wants to go home because he knows that every movement of the second hand of the clock means additional fee to be paid, additional stress to his problematic wife, and additional burden to his family. The realization that every movement of the hand of the clock  means the responsibilities to his children he missed to carry on, that the period he spends in the hospital means how many times do already his young children experienced hunger. I do believe more on the second meaning.

            Knowing that autonomy is one of the patient’s rights, what if the patient decides to go home against medical advice? What if he will not be able to overcome his illness? How then will be the future of his eight young children?

            As a student nurse, I can do nothing for my patient but to empathize and provide as much nursing care as I can to ensure that at least, I am not serving as an additional stress to his condition.

            There, I found my sense in the world of nursing.

            The patient in the hallway which I see though the window glass crying in pain, the intubated patient worrying about his eight young children left in their home, the hoping patients, the dying ones… all of them helped me solve my problem.

            At that point, I actualized what my friend has told me, “Find your inspiration from your patients!” I told myself, I will help lessen such sufferings and one day, I will be able to paint a smile to those faces.

            I will become a RN!

I was able to realize my role and promised myself that I will continue doing and widening that role in the field of nursing. Those scenarios united my “body” and “soul”. At least now, I can say I have formed into a human.

            The opportunity of having been able to be with and to care for patients in their most critical period brings me joy and privilege.  Much more is the happiness I feel recognizing the good prognosis of the condition of my patient.

            I already found my inspiration. Soul searching is now over… all at the intensive care unit.